Tears!

Tears rolling down my cheeks! Another flare came out of nowhere today...my legs have gone lifeless like water balloons..this accompanied by a partial seizure and black out!
I do not know how long will I take to get life back into my legs again and how long will I remain exhausted and in pain due to the seizure.
But I was definitely not expecting this... I have been following the doctor's advice n all and didn’t think I was doing or exerting myself more than normal. I thought I am compensating all my activities with rest... I thought…I could handle it. It turns out I was wrong!

So, here I am lying on the couch again... worried... upset... because myasthenia gravis sucks big time!!! I hate seizures too...they are not less upsetting.

Yes..there have been times when I have had  good healthy less painful and energetic days and weeks in the last six months..because of which I would begin to hope.. I will get better. Maybe, this won’t be for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be able to do those things I want to do…in the future.

But every time I get a flare like this, I realize I am probably still holding on to an dream..which may or may not come true.

I know most likely, these ups and downs will persist for the rest of my life and a part of me that has accepted the chronic nature of my condition.
But there is still a part of me that holds on to hope. I think it has a lot to do with my family and all the lovely people in my life, who keep telling me I could potentially get better. They keep repeating that my condition would not have to last forever.

But, what I am experiencing is different... I make progress and then I collapse. The pain and disability levels go down and then I sit or stand a little too long or walk a little too far...then a huge boulder crashes down on top of me bringing me to the ground with it....exactly when its least expected..why? No idea!

It feels upsetting as have to go through it all over again..all the stages! Strange but true..I have to reach for the acceptance over and over again. But I again I will not give up and fight back like a warrior till I overcome this condition of mine! I know I can!