Silent day!

Loss of ability to speak...makes us realize the value of communication...is it not

Today I greeted my morning completely enthralled, since it is my younger ones birthday. Little did I know this over-excitement would cost me my voice.
The emotional surge of wanting to do many things to make my son's day special...but at the same time the frailty to do anything but sit on the bed and keep mumbling my plans...caused immense frustration in me leading to a severe seizure. Being without any warning, I could not get the time to alert anyone for placing a piece of cloth in my mouth..as such the seizure resulted in deep cuts in my tongue thus leading to bleeding (no no not eewww...say ouch).
Living with chronic illness I am expected to know that the pyramidal voodoo of ongoing physical symptoms, psychological distress and the discomfort of medical procedures can cause me to suffer. Yet I preferred to forget that!

After I regained consciousness I realised my wounded tongue and my speech muscles had got paralysed due to the stress I made them go through... and so they were the chosen one for the day (hope not days)... by my rare disorder, Myasthenia gravis. Therefore today is my day of silence!

While I was busy eating my heart out fir the sudden loss of speech I realised how my fragile speech muscles and tongur really needed a break from my daily nonstop chattering!

So accepting this sudden paralysis positively I thought I can handle the day but a couple of hours of silence made me realise that more than basic communication through action my main challenge was to prevail over my urge for family interaction and inclusion. Within no time I understood that along with my voice it was my personality that had evaporated with my speech.
I wanted to share jokes or say something lovingly to my kids.. but everytime I attempted it, by the time they could guess it either they lose their patience or I lose the moment.
By the end of the day I gave up my efforts to get involved in the conversations and  confined myself to just listening. Though my family tried their best to include me in the conversations but I have to admit..i did feel a sense of isolation and sadness, even though I was never left alone by my family.
But not being able to sing the "Happy Birthday" song for my darling son, when the cake was being cut...let alone stand on my feet and lift him up in my arms to cuddle and kiss him...has created a deep wound inside me. I felt nothing but powerless!

Today I had to place reliance on all for each and every thing. .coz neither my legs nor my arms (again thank you MG and PNESeizures) or my tongue supported me!
I guess through such sudden communication breakdowns, my God intends to teach me the importance of my supports and the unbreakable link between ability to speak and the autonomy of a human being.

My wandering thoughts reached those people who cannot communicate at all or easily and effectively...for life! I was finding a single speechless day difficult but for some people it is the unending reality of their lives.
These thoughts made me reflect upon my wish to just engage with others, to enjoy life and participate in my relationships...with my personality, my strength and my independence. These are the things that really mattered!

We all need to realise that we will miss out many beautiful things in life if we do not say ...i mean clearly speak what we want, didn’t want, needed or didn’t need.

The itch to speak made me attempt to speak, resulting in exhaustion and pain...so I finally had to let go and accepted that I needed rest to give life to my paralysed speech tools!
This is very much similar to worsening my life without inner healing.

But is this world set only for the healthy and the able? I have noted that many chronic illness sufferers use a language of loss. 
But wait . . .I need not and I wouldn't!
This ailment has definitely given me restricted my life from all sides but it has also upheaved my awareness of a world totally different from that, previous to my diagnosis.
The last six months have boosted the epiphanies about myself...my experiences have influenced my acumen about human disposition.
But i sincerely do wish people change their views on those with chronic illness which are incurable and can only be managed such as Myasthenia gravis..clearly understanding between those who are living with the enfeebling reality of chronic illness which is per-diem in nature and those who at one time in the past may have had an episode of serious illness – and then had recovered...they are different... sufferings. .restrictions are different...chronic is for life !

I have no regrets for my speechless day today...as i spent the day of silence re-evaluating myself. I found that freedom from speaking uprised my cognizance of who I was and who I wished to become not forgetting the constraints imposed upon me by the autoimmune disorder.

I am actually grateful to many people in my life who has encouraged me to take my ailment as a tool of self- discovery and self-development...in rebuilding that sense of self.
Feeling low and bleak is inevitable I guess..but I try..trust me real hard...to view things in an itsy-bitsy gamut to help reduce my suffering and control the crumbling of my self image!

I know very well the emerging new me may not be as good as, the old me. But it doesn't matter...anymore.
As of now every step I take forward, no matter how miniscule it is, it pulls me out slowly from the deep pit of anguish and cynicism where I am stuck... clearly keeping in mind how bootless it is to the nth degree to wish that what happened had never happened!

MY SOUL HAS NOW CALMED DOWN!!!!