Letting life take over

Scribbling my thoughts daily has been great for a number of reasons. One of them is because of how vulnerable it makes me feel.
I have lived my whole life hiding who I am, running away from one thing or another, or being a chameleon to fit in. Like many others they were all my survival mechanism. But after my life has changed as a result of my ailments and disabilities, they’ve all outlived their use.
I don’t need them anymore. I live in another world now..a world I hated to live in.
But through this scribbling practice I am learning to let go of these mechanisms.

Yesterday I read a post about beimg in 5he ptesent . I’ve since been scrambling to get somewhere and get something out it.

It made me think where I am...Now. I’m transitioning to a life of the powerful “now”, and shedding the skin of the old me.. that girl that feared the future, that raged about the past.

I’m learning to let go.… specifically of the need to struggle and be in control.

A very wise friend of mine (yeah you guessed it right...who else that wise goose could be other than my best friend..my husband) once told me that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives but we can control how we react to them.
I don’t entirely agree that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives because our very demeanor and mentality already filters what comes into our lives, thereby “controlling” the experience to an extent, but the power of choice still stands.

About thirteen years ago, when I was in Trivandrum, i had been to the shangumukam beach with my family and including my cousins and their families. So that was a whole lot of people, so missing out on some one couldn't be called negligence.
I usually never go near the water cause i find it ickky to get stuck with sand all over. So I always stayed at the shore making sand castles (yeah ..I still love it). But incidently on that day coz the whole family was having a blast in the waves I decided to join them too.
My greatest epiphany came remembering that incident which happened thirteen years bavk in my life. Funny, huh?

I was body surfing with my sister, having a blast off the coast of shangumukham beach when I realized that I was very far away from the shore... and more importantly i was the only one who noticed that!!!!
One I’m not swimmer..and two I am dead scared of the water. In a panic, I began to swim frantically back to the shore, but the waves pushed and pushed back. I hadn’t planned on this. I could only see my family enjoying and so indulged in their enjoyment...that none noticed that i was not at the shore building castles anymore and instead was fighting with waves and drinking more and more salt water.

I panicked even further when I realized I didn’t have the strength to push myself back to shore with the waves pushing against me. I didn’t know what to do.

Then the most incredible thing happened to me.

I gave up and stopped struggling and fighting the waves. I was astounded. I stopped and put my feet to the floor – though I was still far away from the shore, the water was shallow enough for me to touch the floor.

As soon as I stopped, the currents parted under me. They just stopped. Nothing pushed against me anymore. I walked back to shore, then, and I felt a gentle push from behind by the waves along the way. It was incredible and it’s stayed with me.

So remembering that episode today I realised I had been struggling for too long. I din’t have to anymore. I can let go and just listen to my heart… and trust that when I do let go, life will take over and gently, warmly, lovingly carry me to whatever next destination awaits me. Life hasn’t let me down, yet. It never will. ❤