Sometimes I feel so fragile and weak – not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually... and so at times I am saddened by my humanity.
In a gush of emotions I said some things yesterday to my family...who has been ever so loving and doting... that I probably shouldn’t have. It’s not that they were bad or untrue but just poorly timed...spoken out of frustration...(awful part) with tears rolling down my cheeks. The words were the outpouring of the perfect storm that had built up inside me yesterday...due to my ill health..pain after seizures...stretching myself to do something productive than lying on the bed all day..and maybe probably a bit of lady hormones thrown in there. I wondered “Why couldn’t I just keep myself together without these intermittent outbursts in my loved ones?!”
This I guess was my weakness and it was disappointing me.
The truth is there is a lot of pressure in this go go go world to be strong...strong physically, strong in ability, strong in character...strong in every way! We should be able to be everything to all people and do everything everyone else can but quicker and without any complaints!
But this...is jus not possible... is not true either.
I guess it's time I learn this lesson!
"Slow down Deepthi, you don’t have to do it all. I will still love you"...I could God whispering in my ears!
Sometimes my insufficiencies frustrate me!
Thats when Ram, my younger one, after his day at playschool, came running to me and hugged me...yelling out "Main pura kha liya! (Referring to his tiffin box) with great triumph and expecting me to kiss him lovingly and say "Good boy!".
I noticed... my child doesn’t worry about how fast he should be going....he doesn’t worry about being the strongest or the best. He is just Ram and he is perfect.
I got my answer to the tumult inside me... perfection is not defined by the world but by me.
In this period of my life..I am actually on the cusp...the most difficult time I will ever know, none have been like this past years. Not jus for me, but for my husband, kids and family too. My ever smiling and caring husband, really hasn’t had any time to take care of himself or his needs. Instead, he has been bombarded with his own Office deadlines, demands from our kids to play and listen to their never ending stories...for his time and attention, and a wife who...I better not word any thing more.
Feeling weak inside a sudden fear gripped me. Again I could hear the divine whispers "Deepthi, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I realise.. it is okay. True, I am not able to do what I had planned to get done...even for the day.
But it is okay.... it is only when I slow down and accept my weakness that I can actually see things more clearly...and positively. Sometimes, it takes an infirmity, or uncontrollable, undesirable circumstances in our life to know what is truly important in life...is it not?
And so I am happily waiting for my darkest nights to end with the best sunrises.
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