Acceptance or Giving up!!!

I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition. It is said to be incurable, but can be managed with intermittent rest and medications.
It comes and it goes. Sometimes it seems to come and stay. When it goes, initially I used to spend quite a bit of my time being afraid of when it will show back up...now i use my energy and the non painful state to do something productive.
So I manage, because it is the only choice I have. And I trust me that I have run through the choices. Doctor after doctor, pill after pill, oils, diet and in my greatest of desperation psychotherapy too, but the pain, fatigue and inability/intermittent paralysis persists.

And u know what I have gotten great at hiding it except on the days I can’t.

I have been told how important acceptance is to an illness...that at some point I need to use all my energy to fight my state to living. Books, doctors and family...all parrot the same thing.
I know this version of Deepthi will be different, but no less full, if I just let it.

I know the girl here juggles doctor’s appointments, pills and manages her pain fatigue intermittent paralysis.
I think about the things I have lost and can no longer do and the silver lining in me even tries to say a few things I have learned in the process.
But this is a comparison of who I was before and who I am forced to be now. They remind me again to figure out who I am here. I keep answering the same way.

One day at night when all were asleep and I was busy fighting the demon (insomnia is it's name) and all of a sudden, in the penetrative silence and darkness of the night, I said ever so quietly  “I might never get my old self back.”

Strange but true... I wasn’t sad or angry. I was not even sure that I believed it.
I think it was something that I just needed to hear in my own voice. Neither did I feel any better or different or worse.
However, I felt like this small part of me that was feeling suffocated..inside me.. just breathed some kind of sigh of relief,...as if it had been released from a dark closet into fresh air in the open world.
I got up from my bed and taking my crutches went out in the balcony and there in the quiet night..I felt the cool breeze on my face for a few seconds, wondering what should happen next.
I said it again, this time more fearfully, worried that maybe saying it a second time would make it more real. My voice, I learned, doesn’t make things any more or less true. They just are. Or they aren’t.
But that night I felt peaceful and enjoyed the quiet cool breeze making the leaves hiss like a lullaby to the birds cozy in their nests..I cud see! I smiled..I was happy..I felt bliss!
I put that tiny piece of acceptance right back in the dark closet I had let it out of and dragged myself back to my bed..with my crutches sounding like horse shoes.
Like my pain that tiny piece of acceptance comes and goes and stays a little bit longer each time.

I had been struggling to figure out the difference between acceptance and giving up.
I am willing to find the first, but not do the other. They are not the same thing. One whispers truth and the other keeps asking for help.  They both make me realise I am here which means I can’t go anywhere else.

EVENTUALLY, I REMEMBER THAT ON A MAP, 'HERE' IS ALWAYS WHERE YOU BEGIN.

So here I go...and begin my life! And M so glad to have one that's so amazing that it never fails to teach me a lesson each moment!

Lots of love 😍