Lost!

No matter how hard I try the reminiscences of the person I was...appears everywhere I look and every where I go. It seems never ending. 

I see myself each time I see someone walking down the road, like I used to walk. Every time I see someone dancing the way I used to dance. I can see myself everytime I see someone friskily walking by like a "butterfly"… thats what I was called by my office staff coz of fast gait and colorful attires. The reminders are literally everywhere. 

You see, the other me didn’t just disappear… She is still inside me...not LOST..as yet! Sometimes I have wished that my ailments take away all my memories with it. All the memories of the person I was and I only have NOW left. 

I can be reading or rather may be looking through a book and I can be instantly drifted back to a time when I was that person who went to places, representing legal matters in Courts, attending meetings, providing legal opinions or doing just the contrary.. something very silly and very funny. And when these thoughts come back I feel both - intimately warm and sadly cold at the same time. 

I miss that girl. She was funny. She was silly. She was headstrong. She was a dreamer and she could do a lot of things that I can no longer do. Even things as simple as brushing her teeth and washing face without proper support. 

She isn’t really LOST... I know that because I still see bits of her in the mirror, in some of my dreams, in the memories of my ever loving and supportive family… and I am sure when I least expect it she will appear back.

Sometimes I sit and reminisce with her but then our time is up and I must return back to my reality. 

My birthday just passed by and so I am a lil older now and possibly a bit wiser now😇! But definitely a lot more humble now…(kudos to my crutches and wheelchair)... but I will always miss that old Deepthi. 

Sometimes, I can almost feel like she is here, bursting to come out again, but then I am again rudely reminded that she isn’t really here and she isn’t really gone, as I try desperately to fumble my way to the washroom or try to stand up on my own. 

But each day I try and make a new girl with the old one and the new one. Make a new person. Create a new life and make a new history … and I do that as best as I can. EVERYDAY!!!

I can’t stop doing this every day, and always to the best of my ability…but… there is a big part of me that misses that old Deepthi … The lost girl…. And probably always will. Perhaps I am lucky that she was someone I consider worth remembering and not someone I wish was gone and wud be back soon... atleast partially.