Shedding layers of belief!

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

~ Albert Einstein

As much as I love writing, as therapeutic as it feels, I sometimes run away from it. Reading the quote above  I finally realized today that I have to apply the same thinking, in order to transform my life..in many areas.

The last few weeks I have focused more on healing myself and along the way I became my own best friend.  I stumbled my way through the first few days judging myself way too much.  
I dropped much judgment and began to alter my self-view from “broken” to “healing” to ‘naturally powerful”.  I soon realized the relationship I now deeply desired to have was a soulful connection with myself.

I experienced my first rebirth when I finally, finally listened to my intuition and heart’s calling above my fear and decided to move on in my new life with disabilities.

It was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made.  I was still in love with my old life.  Before me lay a land of nothing but change, which was appears very so scary.  
I didn’t know who I was becoming.

But my gut wouldn’t let it go, and I took the biggest leap of faith ever.  And since then life has been soaring.  Though I was experiencing deep pain inside me to let go off many things, it was coupled with the relief of knowing that I was doing the right thing. Now I am in the process of healing myself and figuring out what I really want.

Since I had become my own best friend,  I learned how to say “no”.  I learned how to let myself experiment with relating with everything that life offers each moment.  I learned how to envision and feel what I really wanted.

I am becoming hopeful.  Now as allow my brain to be filled with real stories of how people have overcome hurdles and lived the life they wanted, my hope is turning into knowing. I knew how happy I would feel… because I was already feeling those things....by shedding beliefs about my self-worth, about what the world could provide, about how my life could and should look like.. I found it.

This is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Somewhere during all this, I began to question where I wanted to go next in life and why. The “why’ is extremely important for me because I wanted to ensure fear was not the driving force behind the route I wanted to take next in life.  But the truth - It was. Or rather, it was my limiting beliefs.  I had to expand what I thought was possible and what I felt I could have.

Possibility proceeds reality...is it not?

I applied this framework and it in turn is helping me to transform my uncomfortable relationships and pangs of fear of imperfection.  
I believe due to my efforts in the last few weeks I no longer mirror the Deepthi that had returned home after my plasma exchange at AIIMS.  
I have shed many, many layers of limiting and weighty beliefs.  I am feeling lighter, happier, and much, much more powerful and sure of myself.  My life now does have  have a purpose.  
And each day, I wake up so happy to face my life... to befriend it..to conquer it with confidence and optimism.

This mental shift feels more like a situation of deep instability solidified into pure gold.

It’s AWESOME.

All of it, all of it catalyzed by love and a shedding of skins. I aim to free myself of “should’s”.  When I said I plan on living an amazing life… I meant it.  This is how.

I have become my own best friend.  And the world?  It’s holding my hands, too.

THE POWER OF MY FAMILY

"We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us to our fellow man." 

~ Herman Melville

The quote above makes me realise that if I stand and survive alone as an individual, I can achieve in a limited manner and but with the power of family and friends my achievements are unlimited. I am so much more collectively than I can ever be, alone.

Before I retire for the day I thank god and celebrate my awsome and understanding family, close and extended and my handful of loving friends because their power broadens my perspective and enlarges my life!
Love u all for being here with me ...in my heart always!

Optimism and positivism

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.” ~Norm Papernick

Yesterday, as usual moving around in my wheelchair I tried standing up holding the door handle, (how foolish of me), which had no business of being stable and supporting me and so there I went flying alongwith the  door, hanging on its handle. Obviously it hurt at many places but honestly I couldn’t help but smile.  As a matter of fact, I was laughing out aloud on my foolish choice of support.

But it was indeed fun taking a fun ride with the door.  I suddenly felt a tremendous surge of love, gratitude, and happiness, coz I was able to laugh even when I fell and I hurt myself...I was feeling proud of myself and I wanted to express it!  Why hold in the love, right?! So I spread it, smiling at the world around me, giving thanks for all the blessings in my world!  The sky, the trees, my family, my friends, my past, present, and future.  All of it.

I’m still riding off of the euphoria I was feeling.😂

How did I get here? Well, *clearing my throat* I’m going to shock you all that only knows the Deepthi of now: I used to be a staunch pessimist. Amazing how life can turn out.

I started shifting towards optimism during my last few months, without much conscious effort.  I just naturally started believing more and more in myself, feeling empowered by the wonderful people around me (not jus those physically but also those who are with me through their thoughts and let it known to me through this phone).

The experiences of pain, exhaustion, humiliation, frustration, helplessness,etc that I had to go though in the last few months and am still undergoing (thanks to myasthenia gravis, acute urticaria, bronchial asthma, migraines and PNES seizures...poooff.. thats about it!!!😂), forced me to confront, head on, my thought patterns and their effect on my world.

I was feeling miserable...I mean all the time.  All I could think about was how I was never going to get back my old active, smart, confident self again.  My family tried to console me and convince me otherwise, but there was no point.  No one could change my mind.

As days passed I reflected back on this entire experience of miserablity..thats when I got smacked up in the head to wake up.  It was eerie.  I literally felt as if I was seeing the world from a different set of eyes.  My conception of the world – my world – had changed, and now even my physical perception of it seemed altered.

Some of the questions that forced this change was…why had I been so miserable?  Why hadn’t I allowed myself to savor the experience of being cared for and loved by all?  Why had I been so…pessimistic, automatically accepting that life would not go how I wanted?

Wow, I remember how debilitating and exhilarating that feeling was at the same time. To stand before my new set of eyes, with my mind and EGO laid bare, asking and answering tough questions about the very core of who I thought I was.

I explored and questioning my once-solid thought patterns, questioning why I believed them and how they related to who I thought I was. I continued and am still in the process... even today asking myself over and over, “what thought patterns are limiting me?”

It’s having a dramatic effect on my life.

When your thoughts revolve around how big a problem is, on why you are not good enough, on why life will not go your way…you lose a lot of confidence and become overwhelmed, stressed, irritable, angry, depressed, etc...like me. With this state of mind, you only perform at a fraction of your true capacity. Trust me..only a fraction.

Then I tried to keep a calm mind, focus on the good in my life, and continue to be positive about a...any situation…and oh boy, let me tell you.  My ability to effectively handle any situation skyrocketed! I still can recollect my Etan's shell shocked (lemme also add pride filled) eyes when I was handling things...even pain after a fall or seizure...in a calm manner with a smile.  

You BELIEVE you can handle it and turn it into a workable situation, so it clears your mind and allows you to give it your all. You suddenly see solutions where your stressed /unconfident mind simply could not.

So now nothing stands in my way because I no longer do.  Everything else becomes manageable.  And I don’t make excuses for why something can’t happen – I keep trying to figure out how it can. Like I have invented various ideas to climb the stairs to reach the second floor..with ofcourse my life less legs!

And then something spectacular happens…

I realize how smart and talented I really am☺(even with my slurred speech and short term memory loss). How beautiful I really am, (even with my steroid induced moonface and arms and shoulders that cud give He-man a scare).  How capable I really am even while on my wheel chair.  How truly amazing I really am (because I AMMMMMM!!!!).( Come on enuf of ur laughing😈)

It changes everything.

I become me without all the junk that had been holding me down. Well, this is me without all the junk holding me down. This moment.  Now.

Go out and kick butt, walking confidently and thinking positively!!  Your mind dictates your world – take charge and have a wonderful day!

PS: Can u try and be aware of “what thoughts are limiting me?”  SHINE YOUR LIGHT!!!  And remember to always, always be patient and loving with yourself...I was never..but now I am.  I was initially overwhelmed by how many thoughts were limiting me.  It takes time to identify them and deal with them..atleast it does for me.  Do it with love – knowing that you are simply clearing the way for your best self to shine through.There’s not anything “wrong” with you!  You’re amazing!  Don’t forget it!  Now I know it, live it, and let myself shine!!!
Why not?😆

A new way listening!

It was a spectacular day yesterday..and I was thrilled to be able to sit in my balcony... after over weeks ...with the windows wide open to see, feel and witness the nature outside. I was feeling enchanted by all the different birdsongs I heard around me - the rasping of the crows, fussing of the mynas and parrots, sweet chirping of sparrows and lonely cries of the eagles high above in the sky. 
As I tuned in to each sound of the birds, I realized that each type of bird's unique song was resonating with different parts of my body...funny...but seriously thats what I felt!  I could feel a sensation in my belly when the crows were busy conversing with the world. The sparrows directly were touching my heart...and the Eagles searching for their prey high up among the clouds were calling out to my dreams stirring in my dream chakras. 

I confess I have never consciously listened to the birds in this way before, inspite of having this opportunity many times before. Believe me I felt much more "whole" and "complete" since I wasnt listening only with my ears. 
By listening this way, I was experiencing the innate web of life intelligence of listening with my whole body and hence I was being much more present with my surroundings. 

While experiencing this enchanting feel I could instantly connect myself to the quote from Chang-Tzu ( a Taoist philosopher)...
  .."That which fills the universe I regard as my body and that which directs the universe I see as my own nature."

My half an hour of listening to the nature surrendering completely to it, has taught me that at any given moment, my experience of nature is as unlimited as my imagination.
I am so glad to realise that my every attraction to the nature is communicating directly to a part of me to wake it up, bring it into greater consciousness.

I am astounded by the new layers and levels of awareness and connection that can come from engaging in such activities.
And I am fortunate that each time I find a new layer, I find a new way of engaging with the spaces I find myself in...my ability of relating and understanding  expands, which in turn absolutely feeds my spirit! 
By tapping into the intelligence of my web of life connections, I am becoming more whole, more complete. 
I have placed this new way of listening to the world into the part of me...I trust most.

I dont have an answer if u ask me how this nature-connecting activity has helped my life in disorder. But it has helped me to convert my loneliness to solitude which I now enjoy the most!

Mud puddles!

Today morning as I watching Baby Tv with my younger one I saw a programne where they were showing kids playing in mud puddles.
MUD PUDDLES! My thoughts started drifting to my childhood when I too have played in mud puddles wearing those long rayon gumboots...stirring the mud and water..which soon settles down... splashing and getting stained with the settled mud begins again..being all icky and yucky!
Most of us are past the age of playing in the mud. But the truth is, we’re still stuck in the mud puddles of life right now. If u have noticed our lives get stirred up just like the mud puddle, and dirt and silt of fear disappointment, busyness, bitterness and unforgiveness, empty relationships, worry and so on cover us thickly. 
Many a time our life becomes cloudy and whirling and murky, and it feels like things will never be normal again.
But as time passes, jus like how the mud settles in the water in the mud puddle.. stillness and stasis is restored in our life too. Though it may not end up with the pieces settling exactly where they were before.. but thats the beauty of life right?
This gives us the opportunity to start all over again...to re-discover..be delighted and surprised all over again.

I could see God's blessing in the mud puddle.

Ironically as I grew up, initially I was often drawn to these mud puddles. It’s kind of fun to dabble in the dirt, throw off inhibitions, and paint my face like brave warrior princesses I secretly want to be. But then the mud starts to dry and I can’t get out. It’s uncomfortable and I am stained. These same mud puddles became uncomfortable and repulsive. Just like some of the circumstances in my life that I find myself in.  Some of the “mud puddles” in my life feel very threatening...some are like giant sink holes..and some dont seem to make sense at all.  But like I said what if there are blessings in these “mud puddles” of life?
Now I don't find these mud puddles uncomfortable....neither do I want to avoid them coz i don't want to miss out on all that God has in store for me.. all because I am too focused on the stickiness and yuckyness of these“mud puddles”.

I am sure there is joy to be had and thanks to be given when life is clear and much less muddy. My prayer for you and for me is to be encouraged to find the blessings in the midst of the “mud puddles”; when life is a little less…clear.

So if you too are languishing in a mud puddle of life, like me... trust god and believe You are NOT stuck. And you are NOT defined by any mud.

Letting life take over

Scribbling my thoughts daily has been great for a number of reasons. One of them is because of how vulnerable it makes me feel.
I have lived my whole life hiding who I am, running away from one thing or another, or being a chameleon to fit in. Like many others they were all my survival mechanism. But after my life has changed as a result of my ailments and disabilities, they’ve all outlived their use.
I don’t need them anymore. I live in another world now..a world I hated to live in.
But through this scribbling practice I am learning to let go of these mechanisms.

Yesterday I read a post about beimg in 5he ptesent . I’ve since been scrambling to get somewhere and get something out it.

It made me think where I am...Now. I’m transitioning to a life of the powerful “now”, and shedding the skin of the old me.. that girl that feared the future, that raged about the past.

I’m learning to let go.… specifically of the need to struggle and be in control.

A very wise friend of mine (yeah you guessed it right...who else that wise goose could be other than my best friend..my husband) once told me that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives but we can control how we react to them.
I don’t entirely agree that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives because our very demeanor and mentality already filters what comes into our lives, thereby “controlling” the experience to an extent, but the power of choice still stands.

About thirteen years ago, when I was in Trivandrum, i had been to the shangumukam beach with my family and including my cousins and their families. So that was a whole lot of people, so missing out on some one couldn't be called negligence.
I usually never go near the water cause i find it ickky to get stuck with sand all over. So I always stayed at the shore making sand castles (yeah ..I still love it). But incidently on that day coz the whole family was having a blast in the waves I decided to join them too.
My greatest epiphany came remembering that incident which happened thirteen years bavk in my life. Funny, huh?

I was body surfing with my sister, having a blast off the coast of shangumukham beach when I realized that I was very far away from the shore... and more importantly i was the only one who noticed that!!!!
One I’m not swimmer..and two I am dead scared of the water. In a panic, I began to swim frantically back to the shore, but the waves pushed and pushed back. I hadn’t planned on this. I could only see my family enjoying and so indulged in their enjoyment...that none noticed that i was not at the shore building castles anymore and instead was fighting with waves and drinking more and more salt water.

I panicked even further when I realized I didn’t have the strength to push myself back to shore with the waves pushing against me. I didn’t know what to do.

Then the most incredible thing happened to me.

I gave up and stopped struggling and fighting the waves. I was astounded. I stopped and put my feet to the floor – though I was still far away from the shore, the water was shallow enough for me to touch the floor.

As soon as I stopped, the currents parted under me. They just stopped. Nothing pushed against me anymore. I walked back to shore, then, and I felt a gentle push from behind by the waves along the way. It was incredible and it’s stayed with me.

So remembering that episode today I realised I had been struggling for too long. I din’t have to anymore. I can let go and just listen to my heart… and trust that when I do let go, life will take over and gently, warmly, lovingly carry me to whatever next destination awaits me. Life hasn’t let me down, yet. It never will. ❤

An open letter to all my loved ones!

A Letter to all my loved ones who are aware of my Chronic autoimmune disorder and the pain, fatigue and partial paralysis attached to it. 
Chronic disorder such as myasthenia gravis and acute urticaria alongwith psychotic non-epileptic seizures... means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible...as is in my case too. Many who met me after my diagnosis have made comments like.."thank god u don't have cancer or have not been hurt in an accident", and so on, without even understanding even a little about chronic disorder and its effects.

In the pure spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would humbly request you to understand about me before you judging me. 

> Yes I am sick but that no way means I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain, exhaustion and intermittent paralysis... even so I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I'd still like to hear you talk about yours, too. 

>When you get fever or cold, you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for months now. But I can't be miserable all the time. In fact, I put in all efforts at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy...that's it. It no way means that I'm not experiencing pain or fatigue or that it has reduced my state of paralysis, which comes and goes at its own whims and fancy, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Many a times when my happy face or sound has been welcomed with comments like "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!" I am just coping. I am sounding happy and trying my best to normalise atleast some aspects of my life. 

>There have been days when I have been able to stand up for ten minutes on my own without any support... that doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up or walk without support yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With Myasthenia gravis I am either paralyzed, or I can move... making my condition more confusing everyday. I am more like a yo-yo. I wake up with a sense of uncertainty as to how my body is going react on that day. I know it's hard to believe but my body has ditched me even from minute to minute expectation. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of my life now..since it has effected all my activities, be it sitting, walking, thinking, concentrating and so on, it applies to everything.

>As I said my condition keeps varying. Most often if I am able to walk till the washroom and back, the next day or maybe even after few hours I might have trouble getting to the next room. There is just no point saying "But you did it before!" or "Oh, come on, I know you can do this!"  I just would like to remind you that you are able, and so you are very lucky, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do. 

>Often stretching myself to getting moving, excercising or doing things does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. I wish could explain what I have to go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Hearing that I need to exercise, or do some things to "get my mind off of it", often frustrate me to tears, and worsens my state. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, trust me I would have. But my body fails me each time. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time causes more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. And the  recovery time goes intense and long. Its not always evident on my face or in my body language. All this further leads me to feeling depressed (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were constantly in pain and exhausted for months togather). 

I totally appreciate the thoughts and efforts of my loved ones and it's not that I don't want to get well. The Almighty knows that isn't true.
If I seem touchy, I sincerely hope I will be not be misunderstood. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. My ailment has wreaked a havoc on my body and my mind. My last six months have been exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability.

In many ways I depend on you, my family...my loved ones. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out.
You are my link to the "normalcy" of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able. 

I know I will not succumb to all this and will overcome this phase with your love, support and blessings. And cant thank you enuf for standing beside me now...and all along. It really does mean a lot.

 Lots of love

Learning lessons...the hard way!

Teaching the lessons "the hard way"...thats  God's plan for me...because that's only how I would learn...I guess.
When all is going smooth and easy, I tend to drift easy and enjoy myself. But when I am called upon to engage the best of my ability and skill to manage difficult situations and emotions, most of the times my skill hasn't held up...as expected by myself...even by as God, I feel.
I have felt helpless and unsure and have been in a good amount of pain.
But now I realise that's exactly when I grow. 
 So to feel better, I have learnt to ask for help, and also have changed my perspective towards almost everything...be it life, relationships, peace, joy, desire and so on...and learning to understand the true meaning of inner peace.
I have passed through and am still passing through difficulties and I am grateful and happy to accept that I have passed through most of them.
It has not been a graceful or pretty or pleasant experience, but the mere act of passing though and reaching where I am today is the lesson I gracefully accept today. 

Thank you God for the ever growing strength in me...which is keeping me grounded and so I accept all the challenges You throw at me and promise that I will appreciate each of them as they instill growth in me.

God bless you all!

JEALOUS...yes I was!

When your chronic illness leaves you jealous of the “normal”

How do you deal with jealousy? I’ve been having my moments lately where the little green horned monster has been following me around.

No, no I am not talking about “wow, I’d love to have that car” or not even "oh, I wish I could do that” feeling that creeps in from time to time. I’m talking about the deeper, closer to home jealousy that leaves you grasping on the edge of the cliff to depression. The jealousy that leaves you bitter and withdrawn.

I am talking of the feeling of jealousy when I see people walk around the block or do their own grocery shopping.

But is jealousy something I really need to address in my life? Can it possibly have an affect on my health?

Then I came across a proverb : "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

I realised I already have chronic illness and  I certainly don’t need anything else that will negatively affect my health.

So this is how I am dealing with jealousy:

Trying to figure out why I am jealous. Is it just from feeling self-compassion and a desire to be able to do more? Am I truly jealous over what they have or are? Am I grieving over losing life as I knew it before chronic illness took over?
Once I get my reason I find it easier to deal with it.
I have also started noting how my jealousy could affect those around you. A cloud of negativity can overtake my home when I allow myself to steep in jealousy.
My family may withdraw as they may worry that I might get upset when they tell me about something exciting going on in their life. 
So I remind myself of the positive things in my life. I have a gratitude journal. At moments when I can’t find the silver lining to the cloud I am in, I go through the journal and remember I have so much to be thankful for!
It took time, but I came up with many reasons I’m thankful for my illness.

I constantly put in efforts to be aware of the possibility of resentment creeping in. It tends to follow jealousy very closely and can ruin my relationship with the person I am jealous of.
Actually, it can ruin any of my relationships as I would begin to be a person seen as resentful and bitter person.

Now I take a moment to look at the grass on the other side of the fence. NO NO NOT THE GREEN GRASS, BUT THE BROWN, WITHERED GRASS of someone less fortunate than myself.

It helps me keep things in perspective when I take time to see the needs and hardships of others. Even if it only gives me the knowledge that I am not alone in my burdens.

Trying to deal with situations like these as best as possible reduced stressed and frustrating feelings a lot for me. And relaxed Deepthi often results in happy and above all seizure free Deepthi!!!😁

No! I will not Quit!

I had a very fatigue and pain filled day today unlike last few days when I was feeling a lot better.
I know this is not the end. Instead the resolve that I carry with me today is more than I did at the beginning of my illness...my resolve to pick myself up again. Keeping a track of my yet to be tamed frustration and guilt..I am learning to be kinder to myself..my resolve to not equate my intermittent pain induced, quitting with failure... to list out my blessings and have  gratitude for all that I do have and for the wonderful people I have been given in my life.

My illness has forced me to slow way down. To close not one but many chapters in my life.
I am bent, but thanks to the Almighty and the blessings of my elders not yet broken. I turn the page and start anew daily. I am sure I can craft a future that is uniquely mine — with limitations and all.
Enduring the pain and fatigue I ending my day with a promised to myself and a prayer to god that in every new chapter of my life I will carry with me a new sense of empathy, of gratitude and of patience — with myself and with others.

Good night!❤😪

I want to be Phoenix!

As a child I had read about the mythical powers of a Phoenix to rise from the ashes and be born again. I found it quiet enduring as a symbol of rebirth.
At the same time I view it as an amazing metaphor for living through the trials and tribulations that life brings to us.  Don’t you think so too?
But is this always achievable for  chronically ill / Autoimmunes like me to  reinvent myself or do I have to live in the ashes.
When our bodies continue to decline and every day is a test of our endurance, can we really call this an evolving life? 

Comparing my life now, on a purely physical basis, to the life I had it can feel a lot like I am living with the ashes. But if I compare to my life now to my previous life am I letting this other life truly evolve? 

I do have a lot more physical limitations and hardships in this life, which forces me to put in a lot of effort and work a lot harder to take care of this body. I dont think this can be termed as evolution...its a lot more like  maintenance to me😬!

And… I do see many changes... not evolution 😑 in my social life and circumstances compared to my previous life. This has also meant that I have to choose more wisely about who I spend my time on and my time with. 

BUT there have also been a whole new world of people and personal growth that has been opened up to me through this trial by fire. People I would have never met before.  Things I would have taken for granted before. Wisdom I may have never gained on my previous life course. 

So should I view this life as a rebirth, renewal, an evolution or will I spend my life amongst the ashes of the old life?

… But I truly want to be the Pheonix😆! 

I truly want to reinvent myself and be and do everything possible in this new form. I want to find new opportunities and depth that may never have been available to me in my old stressful, workaholic, success driven, angst ridden, control freak, anxiety riddled, competitive and confident life. 

I want to evolve. 

And maybe that is the way that I need to be in order to get there.  Because I truly want to rise bad enough. 

I also hope for all of us out there, living with life long health challenges, and I hope that there is a little Pheonix in us all. Always waiting to rise again from the fire and the pain and always being able to start again with new hope and new purpose.