Journey

The journey between who you once were, and who you are now becoming, 
is where the dance of life really takes place."

~Barbara De Angelis

Going with the flow

So much of my life is uncertain right now, so much is changing. I have no idea where I’ll be in a month. Life is getting me real comfortable with not knowing, of trusting that everything will work out.

Today the quote, “the only thing constant in the world is change” keep popping up in my mind as plans changed and I adjusted according to shifting priorities. The ground may be moving underneathe my feet, but I don’t have to fall over. I have plenty to keep me stable, all of it emanating from Truths.

Truth: I have awesome, supportive friends. Truth: I am adequately prepared for the job I seek, anything else I can learn on the job. Truth: Life is amazing and always seeking to share its beauty with me. Truth: Just when you least expect it, all the pieces of the puzzle seem to naturally float together, and you wonder why you ever worried. Truth: I am the master of my destiny, I am the creator of my world, I am the captain of my ship, and I can choose whatever route to take… and I choose happiness. Always, I choose happiness. I don’t have to wait for anything to be happy. I can choose right now, right here – who am I? Who do I choose to be? Do I choose to doubt myself? Do I choose to let the waters of life toss me around? Or do I choose to focus on these great Truths? Do I choose to stay focused on my inner strength and my truest heart-desires?

The only thing constant in the world is change… and my ability to choose to be whoever I want to be. I choose hope. I choose divine power. I choose love. I choose peace. I choose…. I choose… I choose me.

Now u see the world...now u see not!

There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it...

Would you give up your eyesight for a million dollars? How about a billion?

Perhaps, considering the above question and answering it honestly helps to put the value of things in their proper perspective.
We constantly preoccupy ourselves with thoughts of things we don't have and experiences we are missing out on. Realising this I am learning to be appreciative and grateful for everything we have and everything I am going to receive. If we all stopped for a moment and looked around us, we would find endless things we have that others are not as fortunate to have.

One of the main flare of myasthenia gravis that I constantly battle with,  is the intermittent drooping of both my eyes to such an extent that I get to see the world around me wth just HALF AN EYE! Today is one of those days!

The things you take for granted are the things others are praying for and there are some things that no amount of money can buy...is it not?

Think about it!

DEPTH of life

 

Enduring sufferings, facing challenges, infringements and heartaches- all of these have grown me, and continue to grow me by giving me DEPTH....instead of a bland and shallow existence. My wounds have made me beautiful, and my wounds have raised me to a higher plane. They have given me Depth to understand the meaning of life which gives no significance to money, education or the attainment of power.

All of the struggles that I am going thru influenced my perception of life. Meaning of life...that's what i am pondering upon today. Paul Tillich, a German American Philosopher explained “The Depth of Existence,” as “truth is deep and not shallow; suffering is depth and not height” . So money, education, and power are just  superficial subjects and are just shallow.

No...I don't mean to say that they are insignificant to give meaning to life, but just that I believe their contribution is very miniscule...since they are finite in nature. Yes no doubt...we do have to struggle to achieve them but that struggle is not infinite enough to connect with the meaning of our lives.
The experiences that I have had in the last six months as compared to my life just before my diagnosis..before the wheelchair became my camaraderie, has actuated me to analyze the meaning of my life.
I dont know how but making an impact on someone’s life one day...making a difference in someone’s life...would give meaning to my life.
Apart from my family there are many people who helped me in my struggles. So my life would have a meaning if I am able to make an impact on someone’s life just like how they made an impact on mine.
Though I am cogitating about the meaning of my life... it no way means I am going to take my life too seriously..coz I know that would no way depict it meaningless.
As the old saying goes, “life happens while you’re making other plans.”

I feel that if I am able to bring a positive influence in someone’s life in some way, whether it is through my work, or passingbon some words...or just by listening..it would increase depth of my life.

My day-to-day life need not be a shallow one and so I look forward to purposefully engage myself in all the moments of my life with attention and intention. None of us really knows how long we will live, but we do know this day comes but once. As I engage in depth into my daily interactions and activities...bringing in a sense of wonder and attention... I remind myself that these moments will never come come back again and hence they give immense depth to the meaning of my life!

The depth of my being only expands as I free myself from the happenings of society, allowing my self to simply be. To feel, unexpectedly and unapologetically, just as the tides rise and fall, knowing these emotions will pass too as all things do.
Depth..it increases as we explore more.. so will my thirst for working towards increasing the value of my life which I am sure will help me discover more attributes to add meaning to my life. But I know I will never be content reaching it.
I like my depth, and I like it in others as well. I am grateful for all the difficulty I have been through in my life. It has given me roots and branches and has kept me deep rooted...in depth!

Yellow butterfly

Today morning the kaamwali bai had kept the door open..a taboo in our house due to the menace of monkeys. So while my family and the bai were involved in a word-war, an uninvited guest sneaked into the house..visible only to my eyes..as the others were lost in discussing the intents of the yet to come monkeys...A BUTTERFLY!

The yellow butterfly though tiny had an amazing attractive aura! The way it entered into the house oozing through the humans..that too ones loaded with anger...made me applaud the butterfly's strong determination and grit. These qualities are often the necessity of dreaming and fulfilling dreams...is it not?

Since I was on my wheelchair without any movement apart from my breathing...the butterfly gave me the privilege of becoming it's resting space for a while.  That very moment I tried to cup it in my hands but it was swift enuf to fly away. Its swiftness made me realise failure often strikes hard...but we need a strong mindset to regain ourselves to overpower its effects.
I realised I was looking forward to learn from one this small creature – the butterfly..the yellow butterfly which now has fallen in love with my joy and the sparkle in my eyes on seeing it and hence sat on my pinky finger rubbing it's hands. With gleaming eyes I starred into its face and realised it was the most fragile mortal existing, yet I was at its mercy to give me some more time in its company!

Before its entry into my life today morning, I was mindfully browsing through my struggles...but the butterfly bashfully made me think of its long journey of struggles starting from a cocoon till turning out into beautiful life filling the world with colours. Learning from each of its fall on the face of the ground, it rises and tries to shine bright.

Today my beautiful unexpected uninvited visitor, before disappearing into the macrocosm, taught me a lesson that I will never forget - “that the power to rise above any situation or struggle is very much within me and that I alone have the power to transform into the Brightest, Strongest version of myself EVER!”.

Good day!💓

Being a myasthenic...what it is like?

Today I would like to share what it is like to live in our shoes...live as a myasthenic.. after taking all due medications and receiving the required treatments to stay away from a Myasthenic crisis!

*You have a lot of trouble or need assistance in getting up from a kneeling, squatting, or being seated.
*You (or your arms) get unbelievably tired from just washing and/or drying your hair or touching your face.
*You have trouble lifting your foot up to step onto a step, or even ANY bump or rise, even in the floor.
*You find that you no longer have good balance and wobble all over the place like a air filled toy.
*Even though you are no longer a child, you wake up with drool all over your pillow.
*You want to put a note on your front door saying "My house is a mess because I don't have the energy to clean or pick stuff up".
*You get tired just standing at the wash basin while brushing your teeth, while standing before the puja stand during sandhya deepam, talking to family, etc.
*Holding your arms up to read a book or the newspaper feels like you are trying to lift 100 kg weights.
*You get worn out from the repeated sitting and standing you when you have to take a bath or when you are changing your bedsheets.
*You have trouble rising to a standing position from a regular height chair.
*Your cheeks/jaws get quickly worn out from talking OR chewing.
*You have trouble raising your head from the reclining position when you are simply lying down in bed.
*Even though you are NOT drugged or not have a big LADDU stuffed in your mouth you stagger stammer and speak as if u are an Oprah singer. You slur your words and put in so much efforts to speak that after a couple of minutes of talking, that the other person halts u saying.."ok ok enuf i understood" though you might not have even reached the point you wanted to convey.

*You choke on your own saliva.
Food gets caught in your windpipe and you have to cough vigorously to get it out.

*Washing your face, showing agarbathi to god, holding the AC remote for changing the temperature and other tasks that involve raising your arms in front of you are things that you find impossible, extremely difficult, or totally exhausting.

*Laughing hard gets you so totally out of breath that you must rest to recover.

*You trip over the tiniest things, even the DOORMAT because your feet don't go where you "tell" them to.

*You get out of breath and faint when having a "good" cry.

*You run out of breath before you finish saying a sentence.

*You have trouble getting a firm grip and end up dropping or spilling things.

*You find that writing notes to people is easier (takes less energy) than TALKING.

*Sunlight and bright lights bother you and sometimes increase your other symptoms.

*Singing has become difficult or impossible.

*You find yourself constantly clearing your throat.

*you notice your heart beating rapidly after the slightest effort.

*you find yourself sweating profusely without any apparent cause.
*Water or other liquids (in my case even dahi) come out of your NOSE when you drink.
*Any fitting clothing would make you feel like you are choking.
*Any kind of temperature extremes makes you worse – hot/cold food, hot/cold drinks, hot/cold rooms, hot/cold weather, hot/cold showers/baths, etc
*After reading a page or two in a book or something on the phone, everything becomes blurry and then You see double!  You try to adjust your eyes, one at a time (double vision), and someone nearby may even think that you are WINKING at them!!!!

*Walking up stairs is next to impossible.

*Your mouth or throat will not even let you YAWN when you are tired.
*A change in weather leaves you weak and short of breath.
*You sit down to eat and cannot manage to bite through your food to chew it.
*your neck wobbles around so much that you either use a neck brace or rest your head at the easiest spot available.
*there are times when you have to use your hand on your chin to keep your mouth closed.
*you have totally unexplained dizziness.
*you feel like your teeth have shifted -- changing the way that you chew and making you sometimes BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.
*you need your food in a bowl placed on a big plate because the food is going to fall out of your mouth anyway.
*Putting on socks or pajamas which require tying knots is a "Kodak" moment and leaves you sweating, frustrated, and totally wiped-out.
*Fatigue so overwhelms you that even raising a spoon of food to your mouth or even turning sides while sleeping requires SEVERAL rest breaks.

So what do u say now?😁

WISHLESSNESS

Last week I came across an article describe several techniques for helping with pain and other physical discomfort. One practice suggested was using imagination to transport yourself to a pleasant place.

I mean SERIOUSLY??? Can such an imagination relaxe your body and ease uncomfortable symptoms.

Well no harm in trying right?
So as per the technique, I use my own special or favourite place as my spot of imagination. That with no doubt is Kasauli. The first hill station I ever visited in my life, where for the very first time I saw clouds meet the earth,  various shades of colors in the sky, a twin rainbow..wooooowwww.
Though I had been there with my family I’d spend hours there alone in the silence among the mountains during the early mornings and late nights, for three days, the best ever moments of my life. I was happy and content just to be there and feel the peace in that world so different from here that was full of chaos.

Because I’ve been chronically ill since May, I’ve not been to Kasauli inspite of wishing every moment to go back and get soaked in that peaceful atmosphere.

So now thats my “go to” place when I want to use imagery to mentally transport myself to a pleasant environment, as per the aforesaid technique.

A few days back, I was lying on my bed in considerable physical discomfort, due to a severe seizure which lead to a total paralysis of both my arms, right leg and neck which I kept falling and i jus couldn't hold it up nor sit up.
So I thought of trying the aforesaid technique. I brought Kasauli to mind. I pictured myself sitting on the hill top balcony with my legs dangling through the railings feeling the chilled air under my feet; I imagined myself lying on my back watching the calm serene blue sky, watching vehicle moving around the mountains like toy cars.
Overall a peaceful feeling of well-being arose.

I’ve recalled those moments in Kasauli a hundreds of times since i been back from there but for some reason, this time, something different happened. I suddenly realized that it didn’t matter where I was physically for me to experience the type of pleasantness I associate with Kasauli.

I was feeling it right at that very moment—lying on my bed!

And this is not just any bed; it’s the bed I often think of as my sick bed. Despite this, I felt a joy that was suffused with a feeling of peace and contentment. I found myself thinking: “Being on the bed is okay with me.” Then to my surprise, I said to myself, “and there’s no place I’d rather be.”

Whoa! No place I’d rather be than on this bed? Then what about Kasauli? What about the beautiful mountains of Himachal that are only a couple of hours from where I live, where I have always craved to go?

At that moment, they didn’t matter. It’s important to note that I knew I was on my bed and not at Kasauli. In fact, that’s what made it such a powerful experience: I was content to be where I was, as I was, meaning that it was okay that I was on my bed and it was okay that I was chronically ill and with such minimum mobility only to make it to the washroom!

The only way I can describe this experience is to say it was a moment of WISHLESSNESS!!!

My humble understanding from this experience is that what matters to my well-being is my state of mind not the conditions around me, including where I am physically.

U might be thinking is it not an obvious lesson? But it’s not easy to feel this way all the time, atleast for me since I feel low most of the time of the day.

I’ve spent hours on this bed (from which I’m scribbling this and such others) wanting to be anywhere but on this bed. This is why what I felt was life-changing...for me.

Books as well as the wiser loved ones in my life have taught time and again that things intellectually, such as “Happiness and contentment aren’t dependent on where I am physically.”
But it’s only when an experience breathes life into an idea that it’s internalized. Then profound change is possible. Such was the experience I had on my bed that day.

Do I always experience the peaceful contentment of “no place I’d rather be” when I’m on my bed now? NO.

But I feel as if I’m on my way toward being able to get back to that place of WISHLESSNESS.

Sometimes all it takes is for me to recall the experience I had that day. Other times it takes a bit more: I have to consciously do the imagery practice—not forcing that “mental switch” to come, but allowing it to arise naturally as I imagine myself at Kasauli n then realize that the sense of well-being and contentment I’m feeling is actually taking place on my bed.

I’m deeply grateful for this experience. I hope it wasn't boring for you to read about this beautiful experience of mine - Wishlessness 😊.

The child in me is still ALIVE!!!

As we grow older, certain behaviors naturally abate such as thumb-sucking
and bed-wetting but at the same time positive traits such limitless imagination and spontaneity also diminish.
Remember how a couple of blankets and pillows could transform the living room sofa into a magical fort? Or how
a humble bathroom towel could turn us into a superhero?

As time passes time we narrow down our vision..close our minds and stop being attracted to and exploring anything new and
exciting around us.
I, for awhile, have been involved in doing all childish stuff for my boys..such as making car garage, racing tracks for theirs cars, teddies and dolls out of old blankets and socks...jus to bring out the joy in the them! I jus luv to see the sparkle in their eyes...which now for my otherwise mundane life are like the beautiful stars in the dark sky!

So this time for Children’s Day I put in all my efforts to make a canopy bed out of my old sarees and got a small dim light fixed in between as a surprise for my little champs! And as expected they were exhilarated beyond wrds to have a tent house on their bed. They jumped like lil monkeys howling and buoyant with joy and finally slept under the cozy penumbra of their mother-made canopy.
This piece was a childish project and honestly as I was putting all my efforts to make this canopy and pestering my husband to help me wth the fixing and tying  it did make me look quite ridiculous. Yet no one in my family laughed at me as I could see they themselves wanted to experience and feel the coziness under the tent/canopy, which we all loved and had done long long ago when we were children. So when I too got indulged with my kids in such meaningless innocent fun it rejuvenated me totally.

If you think about it, as we move ahead the phase of childhood we soon get lost in a maze of time management, new goals to be achieved, be an active participant of the rat race, etc.,which keeps snowballing with the passage of time... all for reaching the proverbial golden pot at the end of the rainbow.
Soon this pressure rises many-fold with marriage, family relations, social commitments, babysitting., etc.
Finally there is simply no time left for ourselves and we gradually forget to laugh and enjoy the little pleasures in our life as we rush from one obligation or task to another.
We even rarely laugh...not smile I mean laugh out loud..as we used to as a child!

Michael Pritchard has rightly said-
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing”!

So I have promised myself to untangle myself from the mental ruts and take cues
from my children to jolt me out of complacency and view the world from an entirely new n fresh approach even if it is for few moments at a time. 
I have promised myself to take a step back and learn to view not jus problems but even people and various aspects of my life from a completely different point of view and regain the childishness in me that I have lost with age! I shall embrace my ignorance and not be embarrassed or blanched of the same.
I have promised myself to be oblivious of what other people think of me so that I can be free spirited to say what I mean and mean what I say.
I have promised myself to imbibe myself with the doggedness that a child possess so that I never give up on anything till I reach my goals!
I have promised myself to be open minded as my kids to help me new learn things and and to drop all my opinions of all
of those things and getting back to the
idea of trying to see things not as I see
them, but instead as they really are.

Believe and let go
Be curious and experience everything
Be receptive
Be humble and keep my ego in check
Be consistent and clear to build trust!

I shall fill my days with new experiences
new people, new discoveries and simply...simply be bouncy and effervescent   with childlike joy all day...every day!

Enjoy and keep the child in you alive!

Tears!

Tears rolling down my cheeks! Another flare came out of nowhere today...my legs have gone lifeless like water balloons..this accompanied by a partial seizure and black out!
I do not know how long will I take to get life back into my legs again and how long will I remain exhausted and in pain due to the seizure.
But I was definitely not expecting this... I have been following the doctor's advice n all and didn’t think I was doing or exerting myself more than normal. I thought I am compensating all my activities with rest... I thought…I could handle it. It turns out I was wrong!

So, here I am lying on the couch again... worried... upset... because myasthenia gravis sucks big time!!! I hate seizures too...they are not less upsetting.

Yes..there have been times when I have had  good healthy less painful and energetic days and weeks in the last six months..because of which I would begin to hope.. I will get better. Maybe, this won’t be for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be able to do those things I want to do…in the future.

But every time I get a flare like this, I realize I am probably still holding on to an dream..which may or may not come true.

I know most likely, these ups and downs will persist for the rest of my life and a part of me that has accepted the chronic nature of my condition.
But there is still a part of me that holds on to hope. I think it has a lot to do with my family and all the lovely people in my life, who keep telling me I could potentially get better. They keep repeating that my condition would not have to last forever.

But, what I am experiencing is different... I make progress and then I collapse. The pain and disability levels go down and then I sit or stand a little too long or walk a little too far...then a huge boulder crashes down on top of me bringing me to the ground with it....exactly when its least expected..why? No idea!

It feels upsetting as have to go through it all over again..all the stages! Strange but true..I have to reach for the acceptance over and over again. But I again I will not give up and fight back like a warrior till I overcome this condition of mine! I know I can!

Strength in my weaknesses

Sometimes I feel so fragile and weak – not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually... and so at times I am saddened by my humanity.
In a gush of emotions I said some things yesterday to my family...who has been ever so loving and doting... that I probably shouldn’t have. It’s not that they were bad or untrue but just poorly timed...spoken out of frustration...(awful part) with tears rolling down my cheeks. The words were the outpouring of the perfect storm that had built up inside me yesterday...due to my ill health..pain after seizures...stretching myself to do something productive than lying on the bed all day..and maybe probably a bit of lady hormones thrown in there. I wondered “Why couldn’t I just keep myself together without these intermittent outbursts in my loved ones?!”

This I guess was my weakness and it was disappointing me.

The truth is there is a lot of pressure in this go go go world to be strong...strong physically, strong in ability, strong in character...strong in every way! We should be able to be everything to all people and do everything everyone else can but quicker and without any complaints!
But this...is jus not possible... is not true either.

I guess it's time I learn this lesson!
"Slow down Deepthi, you don’t have to do it all. I will still love you"...I could God whispering in my ears!

Sometimes my insufficiencies frustrate me!

Thats when Ram, my younger one, after his day at playschool, came running to me and hugged me...yelling out "Main pura kha liya! (Referring to his tiffin box) with great triumph and expecting me to kiss him lovingly and say "Good boy!".
I noticed... my child doesn’t worry about how fast he should be going....he doesn’t worry about being the strongest or the best. He is just Ram and he is perfect.
I got my answer to the tumult inside me... perfection is not defined by the world but by me.

In this period of my life..I am actually on the cusp...the most difficult time I will ever know, none have been like this past years. Not jus for me, but for my husband, kids and family too. My ever smiling and caring husband, really hasn’t had any time to take care of himself or his needs. Instead, he has been bombarded with his own Office deadlines, demands from our kids to play and listen to their never ending stories...for his time and attention, and a wife who...I better not word any thing more.
Feeling weak inside a sudden fear gripped me. Again I could hear the divine whispers  "Deepthi, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I realise.. it is okay. True, I am not able to do what I had planned to get done...even for the day.
But it is okay.... it is only when I slow down and accept my weakness that I can actually see things more clearly...and positively. Sometimes, it takes an infirmity, or uncontrollable, undesirable circumstances in our life to know what is truly important in life...is it not?
And so I am happily waiting for my darkest nights to end with the best sunrises.

Twinkle twinkle little stars!

Observing the world of nature has never failed to amaze me through its innumerable hidden lessons. Lessons that teach me a lot of significant things about myself, my world...provided I pay close attention to it and is open to its messages.

Today when I peeped out to see the early morning sky...I noted that the sun enjoying the arrival of winters had no mood to come out yet...it was 5.30 am...and it was still pitch dark. The stars therefore were enjoying the extra time granted to them...twinkling! They greeted me when they noted me watching them with mouth open in awe...as I hadn't expcted to see them!
Not one or two I was fortunate to see  magnificent huge bodies of twinking mass pouring their light to the universe!

I suddenly felt light and realised that my problems are not so important. Just looking at the twinkling stars, I could see how vast our universe is, and how tiny a part of life mine was.
Yet I am so attached to my own small egos and worried about so many silly, superficial matters... that I get obsessed with them and feel that unless I deal with them the world is going to fall apart!
Now looking at the wider picture of life I have to come to realize that my problems are not so important to exist at all... m sure this change of perception will allow me to be more care-free, relaxed and happy.

The shining stars all of which were shining with same intensity...no less no more!
This made me realise that every individual is unique with a special beauty, even though it might not be instantly apparent to my simple eyes.
During the day time, these same stars appear not to be shining, but if you go deep down in a well where no light can enter, you will be able to observe the stars shining in all their beauty (no I have never had a chance to observe this myself...neither do i wish so..I read it somewhere and I prefer to believe it than experience it😆) .
In the same way, there is goodness in all..in some way or the other...I jus need to develop the right mindset in order to be able to see and appreciate the beauty residing in them.

Aahh! What a feeling..my heart was free! My soul was floating in the sky with those twinkling stars who had jus a few more minutes before Uncle Sun engulfs them in his bosom!